awake

Wee morning hours and baby p is wide awake. Perhaps it is time to just get up and have breakfast…

Naps

I haven’t felt myself for a little while, and with an active almost 4-year-old, that means I am not spending as much quality time with him as normal. And yet, today, we found a great way to spend the afternoon together: nap on the couch while watching a movie. It’s been a long while since we’ve done that together, and I must say, it was a special time.

Quiet birthdays

Edward’s birthday has been peaceful. A sweet card from a lady from church, yummy cookies from my brother in law and his wife, pretty flowers from a college friend. We had some normal Saturday things to do – grocery store, library, swim lessons – but we did visit the cemetery earlier to tell Edward happy birthday. My mother in law had put some really pretty flowers there recently, so that was nice to see.

Other than that, it’s been pretty quiet, which I suppose makes sense: to me, the big celebration is the birthday party in heaven today, where I bet Edward is fishing with his new cousin Grace and his grandfathers, and the cake is quite literally out of this world. (Somehow, I think the fishing in heaven happens without any type of death, even the fish. Just another miracle I imagine is there.)

My sweet Edward, I love you, I’m so glad you were and still are a part of my life, and I know in my heart, I will see you again one day. What a glorious celebration that will be! Until then, my sweet angel, may you find comfort in the arms of the Lord and the company of all in heaven, as I find in the arms of the Lord and the company of all here on earth. Happy, happy birthday!

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My Chains are Gone

Last night, I was listening to some of the music our praise band plays when “Amazing Grace/My Chains are Gone” came on. I was going to turn it because I wanted upbeat happy music, not a song about death. But for some reason, I kept listening to it. Before I knew it, I was crying – not because it was sad, but because it FINALLY made sense to me. The song is not about death at all. It’s quite the opposite – it’s all about life.

A few months back, I posted a small dissertation on my understanding of Christ in light of Edward here. And last night, just hearing the words “My chains are gone, I’ve been set free!” I realized I had missed one small thing in that post: like Edward, I too will have everlasting life.

I’ve said it before, but God sure has an amazing way to turn something really sad into something really happy. Love!

music

so excited to be importing a slew of Christian music into my iTunes today. I am sure to have a spiritual week!

Verses, 1

“He will have no fear of bad news, he is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.” – Psalm 112:7

Swimsuit Season

In 2010, I started jogging, in part, to deal with the anxiety and worry over my mom’s cancer & my dad’s heart and gall bladder issues. I looked the best I had looked in years – felt the best I had felt in years – and ultimately was the happiest clam you could find.

After Edward’s birth last June, I thought I would just pick it right back up. When I returned to work, I tried…but I couldn’t go very far. I’d start comparing myself to where I had been, start thinking about why I wasn’t there anymore, and give up. Besides, all that “good exercise” didn’t put me in shape to keep my son, and it didn’t save his life. And worse, if someone talked to me about the exercises I should be doing, my anger just flared, and I resolved more and more not to try it again.

A few weeks ago (upon trying on a swimsuit of course!) I decided it was time to try again. Bronchitis set in almost immediately after, so I didn’t get very far those first few weeks. But tonight, I made it 2 miles. Much of it was slow – almost a walking pace at one time – but I kept jogging just to prove to myself I could do it. And I did. And though I am sore, my mind feels great, and my emotions feel great.

I despise swimsuits, but I guess they can do some good.

A gift

Billy, Daniel, and I went to the beach today after church. It was really a nice trip (even though Daniel cried pretty hard when he decided to jump onto an abandoned skim board and went flying – landing smack on his back.) During our visit, I started thinking about the recent trips we’ve made out there…and how we’ve been more times in the past year than we went the entire 7 years we lived at Peninsula Cove combined.

It all started on June 8, 2011, the day after we saw Edward’s heartbeat for the last time. Nancy took me to Isle of Palms (IoP), and we spent a really great morning, talking, crying…just being. The six weeks that followed included several life changing events: I delivered a baby boy by VBAC, buried him, had two formal surgeries, sold the home we’d built from scratch, and bought a new one, relatively close to IoP. After our move, we returned a few times before the colder weather arrived.

And now it’s spring, and we’re returning to the same beach. And I thought today, we’re there because of Edward. He was the reason we listed our house; he was the reason we bought a new one. He was the reason Nancy and I went to the beach on June 8. And in a way, he was the reason we were able to go today. In a way, I feel like it’s a small present that he left with our family. I may not have him, photos to remember him by, or many memories of the time I spent with him (a hand wave on an u/s, watching him arrive in the world, marveling at how tiny and perfect his hands were) but I have this. We all have this. And I’m so thankful for it.

Easter Sunday 2012

Because of THIS day, I have two boys alive and well. Thank you, Jesus, for making that happen.

The Metaphors of Lent

Lent this year has felt very significant. Partly, perhaps, because I’m more invested in our church than I’ve been in the past. Partly, perhaps, because I feel more in tune with our new service than I’ve been in a while. And partly, perhaps, by God’s design…

I decided early on that I wanted to fast this season, and the thing I’ve struggled with most in recent months (ahem, years…) is sugar. So giving up sugar was the next natural decision for me. I didn’t necessarily know what it would entail, but I knew I could do it. I’d given up sodas before, fried foods once too – but sugar is even a bit, well, more endearing to me than those.

Anyway, this past Sunday, Father Ted preached again on Lent, and he talked about his own personal journey through the season a few years ago, when he, too, gave up sweets. He said that year, he’d often eaten the eclair, the cookie, the ice cream, before he remembered he wasn’t supposed to. Sweets, you see, were that natural to him.

Hmm…now, who does that sound like?

Giving something up is hard, but as Christians, during Lent, we should take it a step further even. When we give something up, there should be a void, an empty space, left in our lives. And that hole needs to be filled, not with another vice, another want, a simple trade-off – but with God himself. THAT is what Lent is all about.

Of course, I turned this idea over and around, wondering how it applied to me. Sure, I thought, when I want to eat cake, I should turn instead to prayer. When I want to devour that giant sundae, I should pull out Psalms. I’m not sure that’s exactly what I’ve been doing, but it’s certainly something I can try to do as I continue through the season.

But, wait, there’s more. Lent you see is itself a metaphor, of the 40 days Jesus spent wandering in the desert, tempted by the most significant tempter, Satan. Jesus gave up everything during these 40 days, and therefore had significant voids out there. But by filling those voids with God, he was able to conquer the ultimate evil.

All this talk about metaphors and voids and temptations has me thinking, again about my life here in 2012. There is a significant void in my life these days, one that I didn’t know existed until I expected it to be filled. And when it wasn’t filled – the hole was magnified, significantly. And I have two choices now: I can fill that void with work, shopping, books, TV, etc…or I can fill that void with God, family, friends, things that matter. I’m so often tempted to focus on the first…the empty things that temporarily take my mind away from the pain, the hurt, the sadness… But I know I should focus on God, my family, spending time with loved ones. Those things are at times so hard. They force me to face what happened, to question, seek, and search for answers. At times, they are the things that hurt me to the core, particularly in this self-reflecting state I find myself in. But they are the things that make me a better person, a better mom, a better wife, and a better Christian. And they are the things that I need to actively use to fill this void.

The “40 days” that have been the past 9 months to me are life-changing, but I am just amazed and humbled at God’s willingness to make such tremendous sadness into a guide, directing me where I need to go.